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" When cars honk and hoot and drunks squeeze out of car windows and scream, you can be sure that football is in the air. "

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" Poets, for example, are generally considered starry-eyed and sensitive, but only by those who have never encountered one. "

" Alan Whicker may be the last Briton to have worn a silver-buttoned blazer with complete confidence. "

" My life is a monument to procrastination, to the art of putting things off until later, or much later, or possibly never. "

" Like many men, I am highly skilled in the art of losing things but prefer to outsource the recovery process. "

" Looking back, some of the happiest moments of my childhood were spent with my arm in packets of breakfast cereal, rootling around for a free gift. "

" By and large, the artistic establishment disapproved of Margaret Thatcher. "

" You might think that religion was the one area in which professional jealousy would take a back seat. But no: ecclesiastical memoirs are as viperish as any, though their envy tends to cloak itself in piety. "

" Many people see the chance to eat something for nothing, without the need to cook or wash up, as the great consolation of going out to dinner. But they forget quite how difficult it is to talk to a stranger and eat at the same time. "

" Everyone must know by now that the aim of Scrabble is to gain the moral high ground, the loser being the first player to slam the board shut and upset all the letters over the floor. "

" It is hard being a football loather, a football unfan. I sometimes feel as lonely as the sole survivor in the last reel of a Zombie film, as, one by one, old friends reveal themselves, with their glassy stares and outstretched arms, to have succumbed to the lure. "

" I have twice met Jeffrey Archer, and on both occasions was struck by the firmness of his handshake - and the way he looked me straight in the eye, too. "

" The first sign builders are on their way is when - hey, presto! - a skip appears outside your house. "

" A decent beard has long been the number one must-have fashion item for any fugitive from justice. "

" It is only if you happen to be a newscaster that the tongue-twister spells peril. "

" How I hate the Beautiful Game! I hate its cry-baby players and its gruff, joyless managers, its blokish supporters and its sinister owners, its whistle-peeping referees and its chippy little linesmen, its excitable commentators and - perhaps most of all - its unpluggable 'analysts.' "

" It strikes me that golf's great virtue is that it gets you out of the house, away from everyday bothers, away from the endless round of looking for this, that and the other. "

" Women are more sensitive, more practical, more intelligent, more balanced, better able to deal with people, better cooks, better parents, better carers, better leaders, and so on and so forth. "

" One of the tricks of life is to have sense and money in roughly equal proportions. "

" Often, I grow irritated before the first tile has been placed on the Scrabble board. This generally occurs when one of my opponents has insisted upon bringing a dictionary to the table, making it clear that he will be consulting it throughout the game. "

" More often than not, theatre critics bubble with enthusiasm about plays that are, when all is said and done, really pretty average. "

" When I was a boy, I used to stay with a school friend in Bexhill, in Sussex, which was then well-known for being the town with more oldies than any other. Aged ten, I felt slightly embarrassed by this, though I'm not sure why. "

" Historians are the consummate hairdressers of the literary world: cooing in public, catty in private. "

" Monopoly may also end in tears, but its tensions are cruder, lacking the infinitely subtle shadings of irritation and acrimony provided by Scrabble. "

" Just as there is something about an empty skip that makes you want to fill it, so there is something about a full skip that makes you want to empty it. "

" The British love of queuing and discomfort and being bossed around seems to have found a new outlet in the pop festival. "

" Men know something that women don't know. Never ask directions of a stranger. "

" Like many men who play tennis, when I hit a ball into the net, I tend to look daggers at my racket, reproaching it for playing so badly when I myself have been trying so hard. "

" The first thing I hear when I wake up is the sea, which is so close to our house that its reflections from the sun dapple our bedroom ceiling. "

" There are few things quite so effortlessly enjoyable as watching an eminent person getting in a huff and flouncing out of a television interview, often with microphone trailing. "

" Cleanliness is the scourge of art. "