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" Like many men, I am highly skilled in the art of losing things but prefer to outsource the recovery process. "
Craig Brown
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Losing
Process
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" Somewhere in the back of their minds, hosts and guests alike know that the dinner party is a source of untold irritation, and that even the dullest evening spent watching television is preferable. "
Craig Brown
Know
Television
Party
" Speaking for myself, I spend a good ten minutes a day deciding whether or not to read the results of new surveys, and, once I have read them, a further five minutes deciding whether or not to take them seriously. "
Craig Brown
Results
Seriously
Myself
" When I was young, I used to expect Parisians to wear little black berets, to bicycle about with strings of onions around their necks, and to brandish long sticks of bread, just like they used to do in school textbooks. "
Craig Brown
Black
School
Long
" Cleanliness is the scourge of art. "
Craig Brown
Scourge
Cleanliness
Art
" When cars honk and hoot and drunks squeeze out of car windows and scream, you can be sure that football is in the air. "
Craig Brown
Car
Air
You
" Personally, I belong to the speedy school of golf. If it were left up to me, I would introduce a new rule that said every golf ball has to stay in motion from the moment it leaves the tee to the moment it plops into the hole, thus obliging each player to run along after his ball and give it another whack before it stops rolling. "
Craig Brown
Said
Run
Moment
" The best critics do not worry about what the author might think. That would be like a detective worrying about what a suspect might think. Instead, they treat the reader as an intelligent friend, and describe the book as honestly, and as entertainingly, as possible. "
Craig Brown
Think
Book
Treat
" It strikes me that golf's great virtue is that it gets you out of the house, away from everyday bothers, away from the endless round of looking for this, that and the other. "
Craig Brown
House
Golf
Great
" Tweeting is the go-to medium for the show-off and the shyster. "
Craig Brown
Tweeting
Medium
" The first sign builders are on their way is when - hey, presto! - a skip appears outside your house. "
Craig Brown
Hey
First
Your
" Monopoly may also end in tears, but its tensions are cruder, lacking the infinitely subtle shadings of irritation and acrimony provided by Scrabble. "
Craig Brown
Monopoly
Subtle
Tears
" My life is a monument to procrastination, to the art of putting things off until later, or much later, or possibly never. "
Craig Brown
My Life
Life Is A
Art
" It is hard being a football loather, a football unfan. I sometimes feel as lonely as the sole survivor in the last reel of a Zombie film, as, one by one, old friends reveal themselves, with their glassy stares and outstretched arms, to have succumbed to the lure. "
Craig Brown
Lonely
Old Friends
Football
" My father, a captain in the 5th Battalion of the Queen's Own Cameron Highlanders, landed in Normandy the day after D-Day. "
Craig Brown
Captain
Day
Father
" For some reason, it is always thrilling to spot your home town in the news. "
Craig Brown
Always
Town
Your
" One of the many joys of tongue-twisters is that they serve no purpose beyond fun. "
Craig Brown
Joys
Many
Fun
" The British love of queuing and discomfort and being bossed around seems to have found a new outlet in the pop festival. "
Craig Brown
Festival
British
New
" There are few things quite so effortlessly enjoyable as watching an eminent person getting in a huff and flouncing out of a television interview, often with microphone trailing. "
Craig Brown
Interview
Person
Television
" It is only if you happen to be a newscaster that the tongue-twister spells peril. "
Craig Brown
Spells
You
Peril
" Andrew Lloyd Webber is one of those odd moth-like creatures who seem to combine extreme discomfort with the spotlight with an unstoppable compulsion to leap into it. "
Craig Brown
Odd
Leap
Discomfort
" Traditionally, wake-up calls are meant to wake you up rather than send you to sleep: the clue is in the wording. But those who talk of wake-up calls tend to have an easy-going way with words. "
Craig Brown
Sleep
Way
Up
" In real life, nothing would be more tedious than trailing around after two strangers as they went house-hunting in Hertfordshire. But for some reason, television is more compelling than real life. "
Craig Brown
Life
Television
Strangers
" How I hate the Beautiful Game! I hate its cry-baby players and its gruff, joyless managers, its blokish supporters and its sinister owners, its whistle-peeping referees and its chippy little linesmen, its excitable commentators and - perhaps most of all - its unpluggable 'analysts.' "
Craig Brown
Beautiful
Little
Game
" Words have a life of their own. There is no telling what they will do. Within a matter of days, they can even turn turtle and mean the opposite. "
Craig Brown
Words
Life
Own
" Alan Whicker may be the last Briton to have worn a silver-buttoned blazer with complete confidence. "
Craig Brown
Blazer
Complete
Confidence
" Like Christians, Soccerians argue that you should not judge the essence of their faith by the loopy activities of its followers. But the Beautiful Game is in fact quite the opposite. It is badly designed and riddled with flaws. "
Craig Brown
You
Beautiful
Faith
" Like the firm handshake and looking people straight in the eye, the blazer had originally been a symbol of trust. Because of this, it had been purloined by the less-than-trustworthy and became their preferred disguise. "
Craig Brown
Eye
Like
People
" More and more, I find that the news reads like a particularly random game of Consequences. "
Craig Brown
News
Find
Consequences
" Just as there is something about an empty skip that makes you want to fill it, so there is something about a full skip that makes you want to empty it. "
Craig Brown
Empty
You
Want
" When I was a boy, I used to stay with a school friend in Bexhill, in Sussex, which was then well-known for being the town with more oldies than any other. Aged ten, I felt slightly embarrassed by this, though I'm not sure why. "
Craig Brown
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Why
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