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" The first thing I hear when I wake up is the sea, which is so close to our house that its reflections from the sun dapple our bedroom ceiling. "
Craig Brown
Sun
Sea
First
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" As a rough rule of thumb, I would say the smaller the pond, the more belligerent the fish. "
Craig Brown
Thumb
Pond
Fish
" The first sign builders are on their way is when - hey, presto! - a skip appears outside your house. "
Craig Brown
Hey
First
Your
" You might think that religion was the one area in which professional jealousy would take a back seat. But no: ecclesiastical memoirs are as viperish as any, though their envy tends to cloak itself in piety. "
Craig Brown
Think
Religion
Jealousy
" In its heyday, the blazer had come to symbolise a kind of conventional decency. Yacht club commodores and school bursars wore blazers. People who played bowls wore blazers. "
Craig Brown
Club
Who
People
" Some of the most untidy writers have also been the most productive. Iris Murdoch, for instance, wrote a good 30 books in a house strewn with rubbish. "
Craig Brown
House
Books
Good
" Just as there is something about an empty skip that makes you want to fill it, so there is something about a full skip that makes you want to empty it. "
Craig Brown
Empty
You
Want
" Men know something that women don't know. Never ask directions of a stranger. "
Craig Brown
Men
Ask
Know
" More often than not, theatre critics bubble with enthusiasm about plays that are, when all is said and done, really pretty average. "
Craig Brown
Said
Theatre
Done
" When cars honk and hoot and drunks squeeze out of car windows and scream, you can be sure that football is in the air. "
Craig Brown
Car
Air
You
" When I was a boy, I used to stay with a school friend in Bexhill, in Sussex, which was then well-known for being the town with more oldies than any other. Aged ten, I felt slightly embarrassed by this, though I'm not sure why. "
Craig Brown
More
Why
Stay
" Over the years, the idea seems to have grown up that brightly coloured flowers are vulgar, and that the only flowers to be admitted to the walled garden of good taste are discreet and pastel-hued. "
Craig Brown
Only
Over
Taste
" When I was young, I used to expect Parisians to wear little black berets, to bicycle about with strings of onions around their necks, and to brandish long sticks of bread, just like they used to do in school textbooks. "
Craig Brown
Black
School
Long
" Like Christians, Soccerians argue that you should not judge the essence of their faith by the loopy activities of its followers. But the Beautiful Game is in fact quite the opposite. It is badly designed and riddled with flaws. "
Craig Brown
You
Beautiful
Faith
" As life goes on, we accrue more and more loseable objects. Providence dictates that objects that are too large to lose, such as houses, always come with tiny little keys, specially designed to give you the slip. "
Craig Brown
You
Always
Keys
" One of the tricks of life is to have sense and money in roughly equal proportions. "
Craig Brown
Money
Tricks
Sense
" The best critics do not worry about what the author might think. That would be like a detective worrying about what a suspect might think. Instead, they treat the reader as an intelligent friend, and describe the book as honestly, and as entertainingly, as possible. "
Craig Brown
Think
Book
Treat
" Cleanliness is the scourge of art. "
Craig Brown
Scourge
Cleanliness
Art
" Tweeting is the go-to medium for the show-off and the shyster. "
Craig Brown
Tweeting
Medium
" How I hate the Beautiful Game! I hate its cry-baby players and its gruff, joyless managers, its blokish supporters and its sinister owners, its whistle-peeping referees and its chippy little linesmen, its excitable commentators and - perhaps most of all - its unpluggable 'analysts.' "
Craig Brown
Beautiful
Little
Game
" Many people see the chance to eat something for nothing, without the need to cook or wash up, as the great consolation of going out to dinner. But they forget quite how difficult it is to talk to a stranger and eat at the same time. "
Craig Brown
People
See
Time
" Often, I grow irritated before the first tile has been placed on the Scrabble board. This generally occurs when one of my opponents has insisted upon bringing a dictionary to the table, making it clear that he will be consulting it throughout the game. "
Craig Brown
Grow
Clear
Will
" A decent beard has long been the number one must-have fashion item for any fugitive from justice. "
Craig Brown
Number
Justice
Beard
" For some reason, it is always thrilling to spot your home town in the news. "
Craig Brown
Always
Town
Your
" When I tell people I don't own a mobile phone and wouldn't know how to text, they react as though I have just confessed that I can't read. "
Craig Brown
Own
Tell
React
" My life is a monument to procrastination, to the art of putting things off until later, or much later, or possibly never. "
Craig Brown
My Life
Life Is A
Art
" It is hard being a football loather, a football unfan. I sometimes feel as lonely as the sole survivor in the last reel of a Zombie film, as, one by one, old friends reveal themselves, with their glassy stares and outstretched arms, to have succumbed to the lure. "
Craig Brown
Lonely
Old Friends
Football
" Like the firm handshake and looking people straight in the eye, the blazer had originally been a symbol of trust. Because of this, it had been purloined by the less-than-trustworthy and became their preferred disguise. "
Craig Brown
Eye
Like
People
" Whenever television cameras are interviewing people in their homes, I tend to look over their shoulders and have a good snoop at their living rooms. I am always astonished at how clean they all look, with nothing out of place or unnecessary or dropped down any old how. "
Craig Brown
Look
Good
I Am
" Words have a life of their own. There is no telling what they will do. Within a matter of days, they can even turn turtle and mean the opposite. "
Craig Brown
Words
Life
Own
" Like the periwig and the bowler hat, the plus-four and the bow-tie, the blazer is on the way out, and those who persist in wearing it do so with a smattering of self-consciousness, a touch of obstinacy, even a pinch of camp. "
Craig Brown
Like
Way
Touch