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" Looking back, some of the happiest moments of my childhood were spent with my arm in packets of breakfast cereal, rootling around for a free gift. "

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" Cleanliness is the scourge of art. "

" Women are more sensitive, more practical, more intelligent, more balanced, better able to deal with people, better cooks, better parents, better carers, better leaders, and so on and so forth. "

" Like many men, I am highly skilled in the art of losing things but prefer to outsource the recovery process. "

" There are few things quite so effortlessly enjoyable as watching an eminent person getting in a huff and flouncing out of a television interview, often with microphone trailing. "

" In its heyday, the blazer had come to symbolise a kind of conventional decency. Yacht club commodores and school bursars wore blazers. People who played bowls wore blazers. "

" Whenever television cameras are interviewing people in their homes, I tend to look over their shoulders and have a good snoop at their living rooms. I am always astonished at how clean they all look, with nothing out of place or unnecessary or dropped down any old how. "

" Alan Whicker may be the last Briton to have worn a silver-buttoned blazer with complete confidence. "

" My life is a monument to procrastination, to the art of putting things off until later, or much later, or possibly never. "

" Children are perfectly happy to sit next to spiders; it is only grown-ups who are frightened away. "

" There's nothing wrong with procrastination. Or is there? I'll leave it to you to decide, but only if you have the time. "

Procrastination

" Like the periwig and the bowler hat, the plus-four and the bow-tie, the blazer is on the way out, and those who persist in wearing it do so with a smattering of self-consciousness, a touch of obstinacy, even a pinch of camp. "

" Poets, for example, are generally considered starry-eyed and sensitive, but only by those who have never encountered one. "

" Men know something that women don't know. Never ask directions of a stranger. "

" Traditionally, wake-up calls are meant to wake you up rather than send you to sleep: the clue is in the wording. But those who talk of wake-up calls tend to have an easy-going way with words. "

" Words have a life of their own. There is no telling what they will do. Within a matter of days, they can even turn turtle and mean the opposite. "

" For some reason, it is always thrilling to spot your home town in the news. "

" Like Christians, Soccerians argue that you should not judge the essence of their faith by the loopy activities of its followers. But the Beautiful Game is in fact quite the opposite. It is badly designed and riddled with flaws. "

" Tweeting is the go-to medium for the show-off and the shyster. "

" More often than not, theatre critics bubble with enthusiasm about plays that are, when all is said and done, really pretty average. "

" One of the many joys of tongue-twisters is that they serve no purpose beyond fun. "

" Everyone must know by now that the aim of Scrabble is to gain the moral high ground, the loser being the first player to slam the board shut and upset all the letters over the floor. "

" By and large, the artistic establishment disapproved of Margaret Thatcher. "

" When cars honk and hoot and drunks squeeze out of car windows and scream, you can be sure that football is in the air. "

" The first sign builders are on their way is when - hey, presto! - a skip appears outside your house. "

" Historians are the consummate hairdressers of the literary world: cooing in public, catty in private. "

" When I tell people I don't own a mobile phone and wouldn't know how to text, they react as though I have just confessed that I can't read. "

" The news is increasingly full of mismatched people saying daft things to one another. "

" All the wealthiest people in the U.S. seem compelled to brag about how humble they are. "

" My father, a captain in the 5th Battalion of the Queen's Own Cameron Highlanders, landed in Normandy the day after D-Day. "

" I have twice met Jeffrey Archer, and on both occasions was struck by the firmness of his handshake - and the way he looked me straight in the eye, too. "