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" You're trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent's the same. It's not like you're trying to do evil to them. "

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" I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl. "

" I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical. "

" Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles. "

" I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at. "

" If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious. "

" In theatres, you're kind of disconnected. Also, it's way too big for the likes of me. Unless you're Robin Williams or someone that can fill a stage with movement and energy, it just looks like a small man on a big stage. "

" Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? "

" I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff. "

" I don't like sports where it's like, you watch a guy on a motorcycle flip or something, then another guy does it, it looks exactly the same, and then at the end one guy gets higher points! It seems so arbitrary; I don't know who's ahead ever. "

" I just hate plugs. It just doesn't seem entertaining to me. I've never plugged anything in my life on a talk show ever. I understand people use that vehicle. It's just not very entertaining. "

" When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous. "

" In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it. "

" A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy. "

" I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you're dead. "

" With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don't like big houses, I don't drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool. "

" I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that. "

" I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that. "

" I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser. "

" I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics and why I feel obligated to watch them. 'Why am I watching archery at 4 in the afternoon?' "

" All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money. "

" You can't love your team without hating another team. "

" There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I'm like - 'I can't laugh that much. That's so weird to me.' "

" I'm happy doing stand-up, but I'll probably do a television show eventually. If not, I'll delve into this Internet world and decide best how to harness it. What I like best about it is the independent movie style and the ability to just be completely reckless within that world. I like that a lot. I just have to acquaint myself with technology. "

" When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape. "

" It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do that.' "

" I think clever people think that poor people are stupid. "

" I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong. "

" In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is. "

" Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him. "

" I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration. "