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" I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical. "

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" I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl. "

" I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics. "

" So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating. "

" I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. "

" In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it. "

" All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money. "

" I watch political shows for a number of weeks in a row, and all I see are guys arguing with each other over issues I have no idea about. My brother, he loves war-torn places. My dad would always read the paper and tell me I should watch CNN, but I usually wind up watching 'Breaking Bad.' "

" I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration. "

" I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at. "

" A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy. "

" I'm happy doing stand-up, but I'll probably do a television show eventually. If not, I'll delve into this Internet world and decide best how to harness it. What I like best about it is the independent movie style and the ability to just be completely reckless within that world. I like that a lot. I just have to acquaint myself with technology. "

" Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up. "

" I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you're dead. "

" There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I'm like - 'I can't laugh that much. That's so weird to me.' "

" I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics and why I feel obligated to watch them. 'Why am I watching archery at 4 in the afternoon?' "

" If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious. "

" I think clever people think that poor people are stupid. "

" When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape. "

" I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don't know what's going on. "

" It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do that.' "

" Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him. "

" In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is. "

" I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone. "

" I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that. "

" I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world. "

" Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. "

" I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser. "

" I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away. "

" You're trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent's the same. It's not like you're trying to do evil to them. "

" I didn't really want to inject myself into anything political. A lot of people were asking me at the time about Jay and Conan, and I hate doing anything serious. "