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All Quotes by author - Joan Rivers
" As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. "
Jokes
Everything
Difficult
" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "
Me
Funny
Forty
" I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. "
Me
Woman
Man
" I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. "
Enjoy Life
You
Life
" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "
Us
God
Over
" I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. "
Car
Friend
Girl
" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "
Over
Hate
Again
" I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. "
Accept
Methods
People
" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
Bath
Baby
Unwanted
" I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. "
Live
Lot
Relatives
" I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. "
Always
Been
Circle
" I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. "
Angry
Change
You
" I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. "
Everyone
Thinking
Saying
" I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' "
Said
Hell
She
" It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. "
Been
Sex
Up
" It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride. "
God
Die
Great
" I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. "
Die
Plastic Surgery
Much
" I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. "
Messed Up
Feel
Good
" I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. "
Uniform
Used
Attractive
" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "
Down
Enjoy
Life
" Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. "
Tough
Very
Laugh
" Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. "
Life Is Hard
Funny
Tough
" She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. "
World
Understand
War
" The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. "
Time
Fitness
First Time
" Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. "
History
Today
Tomorrow
" You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. "
Gotta
You
Understand
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