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" It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. "

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" I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. "

" I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. "

Plastic Surgery

" I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. "

" I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. "

" Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. "

" The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. "

" Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. "

" I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. "

" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "

" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

" She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. "

" As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. "

" It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride. "

" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. "

" You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. "

" I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. "

" Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. "

" I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. "

" I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. "

" I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' "