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" She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. "

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" Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. "

" I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. "

" I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

" The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. "

" It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. "

" I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. "

" I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. "

" Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. "

" As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. "

" I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' "

" I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. "

" I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. "

" I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. "

" I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. "

" It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride. "

" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "

" Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. "

" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. "

" You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. "

" I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. "

Plastic Surgery

" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "