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" I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. "
Joan Rivers
Always
Been
Circle
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" I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. "
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Relatives
" It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride. "
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" I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. "
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" I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. "
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" As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. "
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" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "
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" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "
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God
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" I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' "
Joan Rivers
Said
Hell
She
" Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. "
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Tough
Very
Laugh
" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "
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Life
" I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. "
Joan Rivers
Car
Friend
Girl
" Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube. "
Joan Rivers
Life Is Hard
Funny
Tough
" I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. "
Joan Rivers
Me
Woman
Man
" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "
Joan Rivers
Over
Hate
Again
" You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. "
Joan Rivers
Gotta
You
Understand
" I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. "
Joan Rivers
Everyone
Thinking
Saying
" The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. "
Joan Rivers
Time
Fitness
First Time
" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
Joan Rivers
Bath
Baby
Unwanted
" I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. "
Joan Rivers
Die
Plastic Surgery
Much
" I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. "
Joan Rivers
Uniform
Used
Attractive
" Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. "
Joan Rivers
History
Today
Tomorrow
" It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. "
Joan Rivers
Been
Sex
Up
" She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. "
Joan Rivers
World
Understand
War
" I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up. "
Joan Rivers
Messed Up
Feel
Good