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" We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. "
Jon Stewart
Problem
Smoking
Looking
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" There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! "
Jon Stewart
You
Comedy
Live
" If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. "
Jon Stewart
Watch
You
Your
" I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' "
Jon Stewart
Say
Just
Him
" If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. "
Jon Stewart
Satire
You
Streets
" I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. "
Jon Stewart
Awards
Charm
Time
" The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. "
Jon Stewart
Legal
Supreme Court
Ride
" More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. "
Jon Stewart
Touch
New
Giving
" I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. "
Jon Stewart
Always
Days
Two
" Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. "
Jon Stewart
You
Someone
Great
" President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. "
Jon Stewart
Voting
Much
President
" Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. "
Jon Stewart
Group
President
Rest
" I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. "
Jon Stewart
Movies
Actor
I Can
" I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. "
Jon Stewart
Feelings
Like
Toy
" Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. "
Jon Stewart
Year
Will
Only
" Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. "
Jon Stewart
Know
Army
You
" You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. "
Jon Stewart
Good Work
Know
Proud
" I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. "
Jon Stewart
New
Born
City
" I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. "
Jon Stewart
Atlanta
Shopping
Just
" McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. "
Jon Stewart
Him
Lawyer
Done
" I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. "
Jon Stewart
House
Everyone
Thanksgiving
" If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. "
Jon Stewart
You
Your
Being
" Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? "
Jon Stewart
Action
Need
Work
" I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. "
Jon Stewart
Care
Gives
About
" I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. "
Jon Stewart
Want
Work
Proud
" I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. "
Jon Stewart
Two
Late-Night
Ride
" If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. "
Jon Stewart
Joke
Your
Enough
" The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. "
Jon Stewart
Just
Notes
World
" Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? "
Jon Stewart
Smart
Why
You
" I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. "
Jon Stewart
Born
Adult
Body
" Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. "
Jon Stewart
Inspiration
Greatest
Insomnia