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" Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? "

Jon Stewart

Smart

Why

You

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" McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. "

" President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. "

" Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. "

" I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. "

" I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. "

" I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. "

Jon Stewart

Feelings

Toy

" I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. "

" The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1. "

" I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. "

" I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. "

" Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. "

" Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings. "

" I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. "

" You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. "

" If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. "

" If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. "

" A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' "

" Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. "

" I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. "

" If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. "

" I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. "

" I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. "

" Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. "

" The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. "

" There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is. "

" We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. "

" Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. "

" Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. "

" More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. "

" I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. "