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" Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. "

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" Well, excuuuuuse me! "

" When I finally retire, I just want to go away so no one has to listen to me. "

" I was very interested in vaudeville. It was the only sort of discipline that was a five-minute act on stage, which is what I really enjoyed and saw myself doing. And I bought books on it. "

" I just wanted to be in show business. I didn't care if I was going to be an actor or a magician or what. Comedy was a point of the least resistance, really. And on the simplest level, I loved comedy. "

" Most comedies are really hard to write, or to watch, because you kind of generally know what's coming. "

" I have thought about some kind of musical involving my music. That would be kind of interesting. I have thought of it in that way, as a creator of something, not so much a performer. So that's in my head. "

" I'm tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period. "

" Everything is fraught with danger. I love technology and I love science. It's just always all in the way you use it. So there's no - you can't really blame anything on the technology. It's just the way people use it, and it always has been. "

" I wish I could do a lot of things different. I'm not going to tell you what they are, but if I had a list of all my films right now, I'd go, 'Okay, I'll cross that one out and cross that one out and cross that one out and cross that one out.' Really. But I've made over 40 films. How can I not have some losers in there? "

" I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. "

" I'm for the Wall Street Occupiers. But will they accept me when they find out I sell packaged mortgage default instruments to children? "

" A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "

" Well, today the Grammys is much much better than the Oscars. I think the differences in the shows are that the Grammys are much wilder. The Oscars is much more people in the industry. And people dress wilder, I think, at the Grammys. "

" The banjo is truly an American instrument, and it captures something about our past. "

" Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. "

" I never thought about success. I always thought about doing the job at hand. My goal was getting through the show that night. "

" Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. "

" I love comedy. That's what got me into the arts. I don't even know how to categorize myself anymore. "

" I was not naturally talented. I didn't sing, dance or act, though working around that minor detail made me inventive. "

" When I was in college, I was debating to try my hand at show business, or to become a professor. I just thought of the risk of not going into show business and always wondering if I would've had a chance. Because that's where my real heart was. "

" Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty. "

" L.A. is only where you live, because otherwise it's just a sprawling mass of everything, and I think if you live in L.A., you get a little network of places you go, and people you see, and when you leave town, you do miss those places and your friends. "

" I love technology, and I love science. It's just always all in the way you use it. So there's no - you can't really blame anything on the technology. It's just the way people use it, and it always has been. "

" I'm enamored with the art world. "

" There's a lot of thought in art. People get to talk about important things. There's a lot of sex, you know, in art. There's a lot of naked women and men, and there's intrigue, there's fakery. It's a real microcosm of the larger world. "

" I would get records by Earl Scruggs... I would tune my banjo down and I'd pick out the songs note by note. Learned how to play that way. I persevered. There was a book written by Pete Seeger, who showed you some basic strumming and some basic picking... And I kind of worked out my own style of playing. "

" I don't think anyone is ever writing so that you can throw it away. You're always writing it to be something. Later, you decide whether it'll ever see the light of day. But at the moment of its writing, it's always meant to be something. So, to me, there's no practicing; there's only editing and publishing or not publishing. "

" A record isn't like a movie - you can get it together pretty fast. "

" I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it. "

" When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well. "