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" I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. "

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" The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. "

" When you're eight years old nothing is your business. "

" The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't. "

" If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. "

" A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. "

" Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. "

" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" I'll die young, but it's like kissing God. "

" Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. "

" All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover. "

" I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?' "

" There are never enough I Love You's. "

" The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds. "

" I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values. "

" The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is. "

" In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. "

" If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone. "

" The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter. "

" Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it. "

" I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. "

" I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual. "

" Today, I give my daughter what I really didn't have as a kid: all the silly, dumb, extravagant, frilly, nonfunctional toys I can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia. "

" If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer. "