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" I have tons of fans in Canada. I've sold hundreds of thousands of books there. "

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" My writing is authentic, and whatever happens in my life is what I write about. "

" I'm a decent-looking guy, but I've never walked into a room and got a girl because of how I looked. Look, I'm never excluded because of my looks. I just don't stand out. "

" Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer. "

" I don't even pursue girls anymore. I mean, I could obviously still pursue girls. It's not like I can't. But I don't have to pursue girls anymore. Girls come to me. "

" Think about it: If you don't have any actual, tangible skills, then how can you do anything? You may be laughing and nodding, but do you realize how few people, when asked the basic question, 'What can you do?' stumble on the answer and have nothing to say? Most people. "

" The haters always scream the loudest. "

" I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester. "

" I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did. "

" If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail. "

" I want someone who is my partner in life. Who supports me, and I support her. I can share all my experiences in life with her, and she can share hers back with me. Not only do we love each other, but we accept, embrace, nurture, and care for each other. "

" Make no mistake about it: Law school is not a bastion of intellectual discourse. "

" No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog. "

" Frankly, I'd rather make a little bit less money if it means living in a better world for books and publishing in the future. "

" If you like to argue just for the sake of being contentious, you shouldn't pick a job based on this unresolved emotional issue of yours, you should get counseling for it. "

" No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff. "

" If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program. "

" Usually, whatever people's particular political leaning is, they either think I'm just like them or the opposite. "

" I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people, or worse ways than some people, or better ways than some people. "

" Even if I was a Republican, George Bush would have pushed me out of that party. "

" I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy. "

" The point of psychoanalysis is to really understand the roots of your behavior. Understand why you are doing the things you're doing - and connect your unconscious to your conscious. "

" Whatever your favorite food is, if you eat it every day for a month, you're going to get sick of it. "

" Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much. "

" I'm never going to be Tolstoy. "

" I think I just pick really smart and motivated people to work with - people who are probably going to do great things anyway - and I just teach them what I know, maybe teach them how to think a little clearer than they did before, and then off they go. "

" Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none. "

" I've never really had a media edifice supporting me. "

" The Big Five publishing companies are dinosaurs trying to survive in a post-meteor world. They won't. "

" At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now. "

" There aren't a whole lot of people in culture that are unapologetically masculine. "