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" I know gay - gay people who aren't married who are better parents than some, you know, straight people I know who are married. "

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" I wanted to be a hockey player. Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used. I was terrible in school and actually said, 'I'm going to be a hockey player.' "

" Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish. "

" If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now. "

" I really like 'Batman.' Not the TV show, but the dark 'Batman.' "

" I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time. "

" I would have to commit a crime and have cops chase me. That would be the only way to get me to jog five miles. "

" You try to - you want to fly on both sides of the political fence because that's where the - where the comedy is. "

" Temptation's something you have to deal with even if you're not famous. It's harder when you're famous because it's a lot more in your face, and that makes it a little more difficult to walk away from sometimes. "

" My brother and I tortured my mother growing up. "

" I'm not really a Spider-Man fan. I'm more of a Batman guy. "

" Willem Dafoe and I are actually the same person. "

" Hockey's my favorite sport. "

" I didn't raise my kids with the fear of God. "

" Usually when you watch a film, you're just sort of biting your nails about things you could have done differently. "

" I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side? "

" I'd love to play in a Red Sox game. It would be so awesome to actually walk out on the field and play, just for one inning. I'd also steal everything I could get my hands on in the clubhouse, which is why they won't let me do it. "

" Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads. "

" My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance. "

" I think daycare is great for people who have to work two jobs. My problem is with people who are dropping kids off at daycare because they want to go out and spend the day golfing or getting their nails done. You know what I mean? That's not why they invented daycare. "

" I don't believe in the power of words. "

" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

" Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it. "

" My dad was very much a John Wayne kind of guy, but he was also a great guy, great sense of humor, a real dedicated dad. I don't think he ever missed a hockey game I was in. "

" I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen. "

" Technology is changing, so the viewership is getting broken up. My kids watch everything downloaded; they have no idea what the numbers or the names of the channels mean, except 'FX makes the show that I see on my computer.' "

" Every actor thinks he can do comedy, and it's not true. "

" Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it. So I don't think I could successfully pull off being on a project like that without really losing my mind. "

" It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.' "

" I'm pretty much a chocolate guy. I'm up for any type of chocolate. Any chocolate. "

" If you do good work, it tends to stick around. People still come up to me and say, 'The Ref' is my favorite Christmas movie.' "