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" You try to - you want to fly on both sides of the political fence because that's where the - where the comedy is. "

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" I always hated the Grateful Dead. Never even bought a Led Zeppelin album. "

" My father could swear in Gaelic and English, by the way, ladies and gentlemen. "

" My charity is in the business of helping firefighters in any way that we can. For instance, after 9/11 we were the second-fastest charity to raise and distribute money to the widows and surviving family members of the 343 firefighters who died that day. "

" I've eaten things that didn't complain this much. "

" I've always had a thing for Catwoman. Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Berry in tight leather pants, with the boots - I'm pretty good with either one. "

" Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used. "

" I love America. "

" I remember 9/11; we had 'Comics Come Home' about a month after those events. That night, even the comedians were concerned. Would the audience be ready to laugh? It was a release for everyone. "

" I spent a long time working in the movies to figure out that kind of acting and also how to write and produce for the screen. "

" I'm a pretty boring guy. Compared to Ashton Kutcher, I live a really boring existence. "

" The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them. "

" Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it. "

" I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor. "

" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

" When I was doing standup, I always wanted to get out of the standup world and take it back into the theatrical world, like with 'No Cure For Cancer.' "

" I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture. "

" I can't text. My fingers are too big. "

" I'm a huge Kevin Youkilis fan. "

" I really like 'Batman.' Not the TV show, but the dark 'Batman.' "

" Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it. So I don't think I could successfully pull off being on a project like that without really losing my mind. "

" I think we're going to carry the 'Ice Age's up to 'Ice Age 15,' which means basically they'll be in the present decade. "

" I went to see the 'Spider-Man' movies because my wife is a fan, and so are my kids. "

" If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now. "

" Every actor thinks he can do comedy, and it's not true. "

" When I was a teenager, you couldn't get straight pants. Then in '76, when punk started to hit, it was a revelation that you could find straight pants again. "

" I don't really have a lot of fun playing just straight good guys. It's not my thing. It's like Tom Hanks territory. "

" You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing. "

" I don't watch 'American Idol.' I don't watch any of that stuff. "

" Sometimes 'great acting' is just showing off - chewing up scenery and dialogue and other actors - the equivalent of a theatrical sugar rush. "