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" I love Santa Monica and Venice because I like the beach. I have a lot of friends in that area. "

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" I've been nominated for Emmys and Golden Globes, but I've never won one and I probably never will. "

" Usually when you watch a film, you're just sort of biting your nails about things you could have done differently. "

" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

" I'm born and raised in the Northeast. My parents are Irish immigrants. So our tendency is to shy away from the big yellow ball that comes up in the sky every once in a while. "

" I love America. "

" I'm pretty much a chocolate guy. I'm up for any type of chocolate. Any chocolate. "

" Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads. "

" Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list. "

" Every actor thinks he can do comedy, and it's not true. "

" My only worry about tweeting and modern technology is how it has crept into even the darkest corners of the absolute global village we live in. "

" Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct. "

" Hockey's my favorite sport. "

" I'm still pretty self-centered, greedy and angry. "

" I don't want a president like me! I suck, okay. I want an elitist, smart guy. "

" Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh. "

" If a character dies, you get to do a big, juicy death scene. But the flip side is you're out of the sequel, which is where the real money is. "

" I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. "

" I guess you get pigeon-holed in Hollywood, but I'm ok with that because I've been able to do a lot. I started in the theater, then I went to stand-up comedy, and then when I went into the movies to do comedy and drama and big movies and small movies. "

" I love French stuff. Mmmm, french fries. "

" Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer. "

" Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself. "

" There are some guys I know for a fact, like Louis C.K., who always talk about how not-great of an actor he is, and he's terrific on his show. But I know Louis would play a fantastic dramatic role in something, too. He just needs somebody to grab him and say, 'Come in here and do this.' "

" My dad was very much a John Wayne kind of guy, but he was also a great guy, great sense of humor, a real dedicated dad. I don't think he ever missed a hockey game I was in. "

" What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny. "

Politically Correct

" I really, really like 'Eastbound & Down.' It's one of the few things that makes me laugh. It's almost too funny to get an award. "

" I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen. "

" I spent a long time working in the movies to figure out that kind of acting and also how to write and produce for the screen. "

" I obviously identify with the anti-authority figure. I've pretty much always had problems with authority, ever since I was a kid. "

" Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house. "

" If I'm president, there are going to be government vans that drive around and pick up people who shouldn't be wearing certain clothing. Talk about lack of civil rights - I'm sorry, I'm pulling you right off the street, and we're giving you clothes that you're going to be O.K. in. "