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" Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list. "

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" People saying, 'Life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.' Welcome to the club. I wanted to be the starting center-fielder for the Boston Red Sox, for chrissakes! "

" Good actors, especially when they know their character, will come in and either tell you in advance that they have an idea, or in the middle of the rehearsal or the scene they'll let it loose and you go, 'Ah that's great.' "

" Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house. "

" I guess you get pigeon-holed in Hollywood, but I'm ok with that because I've been able to do a lot. I started in the theater, then I went to stand-up comedy, and then when I went into the movies to do comedy and drama and big movies and small movies. "

" I actually like talking. "

" Let me tell you something: I love the Yankees. And let me tell you why: because without the Yankees, there is nobody to hate. "

" Kids are incredibly expensive. But it pays off later when they are better educated, bigger, and better-looking than you. And find you incessantly boring and uncool. "

" There's no way around it - drama is very difficult to shoot. It's very heavy and something that you carry with you for the course of the day. "

" I'm pretty much a chocolate guy. I'm up for any type of chocolate. Any chocolate. "

" I didn't raise my kids with the fear of God. "

" I'm not saying being a comedian is brain surgery, but it is definitely - it's like being a carpenter. You learn how to make tables and chairs. You have to have the right tools, and you have to know how to put the thing together, right? "

" Temptation's something you have to deal with even if you're not famous. It's harder when you're famous because it's a lot more in your face, and that makes it a little more difficult to walk away from sometimes. "

" When I go to Batman movies, I always think, 'Man, I would like to be a bad guy in a Batman movie.' especially as they got darker when they go to the Christian Bale era. "

" Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it. "

" No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about. "

" The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work. "

" Doing the same character over and over, it gets boring. "

" Every actor thinks he can do comedy, and it's not true. "

" Anybody who's done standup will tell you that there's nothing like it. The show starts at 8:00, the curtain goes up and there's nobody else except you and the audience, and you just perform for them for two hours. Nobody yells, 'Cut!' There are no retakes. That is still the most exciting medium for me, and I love it. "

" There's no male Oprah. "

" I'd love to do another television series. I really love the writing process, and as an actor I really like how much you get to examine in television. "

" I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me. "

" My brother and I tortured my mother growing up. "

" I don't want a president like me! I suck, okay. I want an elitist, smart guy. "

" Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh. "

" I love French stuff. Mmmm, french fries. "

" I've always had a thing for Catwoman. Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Berry in tight leather pants, with the boots - I'm pretty good with either one. "

" I'm a lapsed Catholic in the best sense of the word. "

" My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance. "

" I studied acting in school and then, of course, couldn't get an acting job. "