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" I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination. "

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" There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. "

" If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. "

" I've tried lots of things. The reality is, I'm excited by everything on Day 1. And if by Day X things aren't working the way I hoped, I lose my passion. I have not seen the correlation between my passion and my success. "

" Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results. "

" The only risk of failure is promotion. "

" You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me. "

" Rotten bosses don't get better. Any strategy that assumes they can is doomed. "

" Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free. "

" Psychology is the only necessary skill for running for president. Trump knows psychology. "

" It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation. "

" I love magazines. It's such McNugget kind of information. "

" 'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip. "

" Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. "

" If your current get-rich project fails, take what you learned and try something else. Keep repeating until something lucky happens. The universe has plenty of luck to go around; you just need to keep your hand raised until it's your turn. It helps to see failure as a road and not a wall. "

" For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays. "

" I've always defined myself not as a cartoonist, but as an entrepreneur. That was true before I tried cartooning. I always imagined cartooning would be how I got my seed capital. I always thought my other businesses would be the less dominant part of my life. "

" Happiness is nothing but good health and freedom, and money is the single best way you can buy your freedom. "

" Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive. "

" Some of my best friends are Venture Capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of numbers. It's great work if you can get it. "

" Obviously there's not much options when you're a cartoonist - you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier. "

" There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation. "

" One strategy for getting ahead is being incredibly good at a particular skill; you need to be world-class to stand out for that skill. In my case, I layered fairly average skills together until the combination became special. "

" Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. "

" Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams. "

" Before 'Dilbert,' I tried to become a computer programmer. In the early days of computing, I bought this big, heavy, portable computer for my house. I spent two years nights and weekends trying to write games that I thought I would sell. Turns out I'm not that good a programmer, so that was two years that didn't work out. "

" In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. "

" I try to avoid giving advice. "

" I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing. "

" Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. "

" In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can't use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants. "