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" I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world. "

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" I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me. "

" I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. "

" I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling. "

" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "

" A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked. "

" My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. "

" My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. "

" I model irregular clothing. "

" It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. "

" Do you know it was a year a ago today? "

" A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock. "

" People read me but they don't subscribe. "

" I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm. "

" Does anybody know what I'm doing up here? "

" At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you? "

" You know what burns me? Matches. "

" I was born nine months premature. "

" I saw a stationery store move. "

" I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough. "

" I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. "

" I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. "

" My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings. "

" My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. "

" I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time. "