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" I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night. "

Zach Galifianakis

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" I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal. "

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" When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically. "

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" When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person. "

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" I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie. "

Zach Galifianakis

" That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people? "

Zach Galifianakis

" I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I talk to younger actor types, and they bring up that word, 'brand,' and it's like, 'All right, if that's the way you want to look at yourself.' Diet Pepsi's a brand; you're a human being. "

Zach Galifianakis

" A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony. "

Zach Galifianakis

" A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My forte is awkwardness. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it. That's if I'm in the mood - sometimes I get superbummed. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers. "

Zach Galifianakis

" We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. "

Zach Galifianakis

" There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling. "

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" I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women. "

Zach Galifianakis

" People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions. "

Zach Galifianakis