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" I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny. "

Zach Galifianakis

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" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

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" I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that. "

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" I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie. "

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" I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. "

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" Some people can be choosy because they're ultratalented or lucky or whatever, but yeah, there are certain things that might not be the greatest thing on my resume. But I don't sit back and go, 'Gosh, I wish I didn't do that.' It's all part of the growth of a career, whether you're an entertainer or a librarian. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it. "

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" I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it. That's if I'm in the mood - sometimes I get superbummed. "

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" Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way. "

Zach Galifianakis

" You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired. "

Zach Galifianakis

" The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Comedians paint ourselves into corners all the time, and tastes in comedy change. The guy in 'The Hangover' was a really fun character to do, and it was easy to do. But you have to find other things because audiences will let you do that for a little bit, and then they're like, 'What else do you have for us, monkey?' "

Zach Galifianakis

" As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier. "

Zach Galifianakis

" We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My real last name is Galifianakisburg. "

Zach Galifianakis

" There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese. "

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" There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend. "

Zach Galifianakis

" When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling. "

Zach Galifianakis