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" My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing. "

Zach Galifianakis

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" Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier. "

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" I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging. "

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" I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal. "

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" I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do. "

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" Comedians paint ourselves into corners all the time, and tastes in comedy change. The guy in 'The Hangover' was a really fun character to do, and it was easy to do. But you have to find other things because audiences will let you do that for a little bit, and then they're like, 'What else do you have for us, monkey?' "

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" I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie. "

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" I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. "

Zach Galifianakis

" That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people? "

Zach Galifianakis

" We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese. "

Zach Galifianakis

" You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person. "

Zach Galifianakis

" When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies. "

Zach Galifianakis

" A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something. "

Zach Galifianakis

" American society loves to prop people up and then take them down. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15. "

Zach Galifianakis

" When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My forte is awkwardness. "

Zach Galifianakis

" I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Have you seen that show on Lifetime about that woman...? "

Zach Galifianakis

" When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically. "

Zach Galifianakis

" Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. "

Zach Galifianakis

" There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend. "

Zach Galifianakis