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" Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person. "

Zach Galifianakis

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" When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. "

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" I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that. "

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" My real last name is Galifianakisburg. "

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" There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life. "

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" When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically. "

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" Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. "

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" I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny. "

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" A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing. "

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" Some people can be choosy because they're ultratalented or lucky or whatever, but yeah, there are certain things that might not be the greatest thing on my resume. But I don't sit back and go, 'Gosh, I wish I didn't do that.' It's all part of the growth of a career, whether you're an entertainer or a librarian. "

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" I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92. "

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" As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger. "

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" There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend. "

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" American society loves to prop people up and then take them down. "

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" Have you seen that show on Lifetime about that woman...? "

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" I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese. "

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" Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. "

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" I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something. "

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" I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie. "

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" Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier. "

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" We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics. "

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" We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. "

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" I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes. "

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" My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing. "

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" I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do. "

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" I talk to younger actor types, and they bring up that word, 'brand,' and it's like, 'All right, if that's the way you want to look at yourself.' Diet Pepsi's a brand; you're a human being. "

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" That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling. "

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" I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling. "

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" I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing. "

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" That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people? "

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" I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging. "

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