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" I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means. "

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" You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage. "

" There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives. "

" You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else. "

" I do have a treadmill desk in my office, and for a while, I would walk on it while checking email and going through jokes. I haven't walked on it in probably four months. Now it's more of an upright dining table for me. At some point, moss will grow over it, birds will build nests, and nature will reclaim the treadmill as its own. "

" I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don't wear a tie? "

" When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended. "

" I try hard not to repeat myself and not to do material other people are doing. We transcribe every other late-night show to make sure there's no similarity. "

" My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are. "

" The idea that you would not only exercise but that you would enjoy it is very difficult for me to understand. I just hate it. "

" It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up. "

" I'm a terrible golfer. "

" I only get unusual ailments. "

" I can't be as flip as I once was. "

" No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do. "

" At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes. "

" I'm always looking to the next thing. There are always hurdles, whether it's the White House dinner or hosting charity events or that night's show: Until they're over, I worry, then I move right on to the next thing. It's hard for me to enjoy the moment. I'm just thinking about not failing. "

" That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't. "

" If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted. "

" I don't really need to be dirty to be funny. "

" Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion. "

" The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it. "

" Almost every week, someone's mad at me. "

" My aunt and uncle are clearly civilians. "