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" Almost every week, someone's mad at me. "

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" Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion. "

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" I do have a treadmill desk in my office, and for a while, I would walk on it while checking email and going through jokes. I haven't walked on it in probably four months. Now it's more of an upright dining table for me. At some point, moss will grow over it, birds will build nests, and nature will reclaim the treadmill as its own. "

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" You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else. "

" The idea that you would not only exercise but that you would enjoy it is very difficult for me to understand. I just hate it. "

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" I'm always looking to the next thing. There are always hurdles, whether it's the White House dinner or hosting charity events or that night's show: Until they're over, I worry, then I move right on to the next thing. It's hard for me to enjoy the moment. I'm just thinking about not failing. "

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" That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't. "