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" If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted. "

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" I only get unusual ailments. "

" I'm a terrible golfer. "

" I do have a treadmill desk in my office, and for a while, I would walk on it while checking email and going through jokes. I haven't walked on it in probably four months. Now it's more of an upright dining table for me. At some point, moss will grow over it, birds will build nests, and nature will reclaim the treadmill as its own. "

" It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up. "

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" I'm always looking to the next thing. There are always hurdles, whether it's the White House dinner or hosting charity events or that night's show: Until they're over, I worry, then I move right on to the next thing. It's hard for me to enjoy the moment. I'm just thinking about not failing. "

" I can't be as flip as I once was. "

" My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are. "

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" The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it. "

" I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don't wear a tie? "

" You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else. "