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" I'm God because I have the power to control my mind. "
Roseanne Barr
Mind
Power
Because
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" I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing. "
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" When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying. "
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" You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing. "
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" Excuse the mess but we live here. "
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" Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve. "
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" Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with. "
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" There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect. "
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" The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. "
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" You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship. "
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" I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool. "
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" You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right. "
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" I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more. "
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" I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice. "
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" Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us? "
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" I know how to do anything, I'm a mom. "
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" I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird? "
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" I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show. "
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" I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust. "
Roseanne Barr
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" I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff. "
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" I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions. "
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" Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting. "
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" Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head. "
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" I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote. "
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" I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty. "
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" I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference. "
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" In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth. "
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" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "
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" Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? "
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" I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election. "
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" I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled. "
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