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" Traditionally, wake-up calls are meant to wake you up rather than send you to sleep: the clue is in the wording. But those who talk of wake-up calls tend to have an easy-going way with words. "
Craig Brown
Sleep
Way
Up
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" In its heyday, the blazer had come to symbolise a kind of conventional decency. Yacht club commodores and school bursars wore blazers. People who played bowls wore blazers. "
Craig Brown
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" As life goes on, we accrue more and more loseable objects. Providence dictates that objects that are too large to lose, such as houses, always come with tiny little keys, specially designed to give you the slip. "
Craig Brown
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Always
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" People think of waves as going in an orderly crash - whoosh - crash - whoosh, but in fact there are lots of different crashes and whooshes, all at different stages, and all going off at the same time. "
Craig Brown
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" Often, I grow irritated before the first tile has been placed on the Scrabble board. This generally occurs when one of my opponents has insisted upon bringing a dictionary to the table, making it clear that he will be consulting it throughout the game. "
Craig Brown
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" Tweeting is the go-to medium for the show-off and the shyster. "
Craig Brown
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" Alan Whicker may be the last Briton to have worn a silver-buttoned blazer with complete confidence. "
Craig Brown
Blazer
Complete
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" My life is a monument to procrastination, to the art of putting things off until later, or much later, or possibly never. "
Craig Brown
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" The first sign builders are on their way is when - hey, presto! - a skip appears outside your house. "
Craig Brown
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" Comedy is the slave of time. What seemed funny then is unlikely to seem funny now, just as what strikes us as funny now would not have seemed funny then. "
Craig Brown
Comedy
Us
Time
" Like many men, I am highly skilled in the art of losing things but prefer to outsource the recovery process. "
Craig Brown
Like
Losing
Process
" Personally, I belong to the speedy school of golf. If it were left up to me, I would introduce a new rule that said every golf ball has to stay in motion from the moment it leaves the tee to the moment it plops into the hole, thus obliging each player to run along after his ball and give it another whack before it stops rolling. "
Craig Brown
Said
Run
Moment
" Whenever television cameras are interviewing people in their homes, I tend to look over their shoulders and have a good snoop at their living rooms. I am always astonished at how clean they all look, with nothing out of place or unnecessary or dropped down any old how. "
Craig Brown
Look
Good
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" Some of the most untidy writers have also been the most productive. Iris Murdoch, for instance, wrote a good 30 books in a house strewn with rubbish. "
Craig Brown
House
Books
Good
" There are few things quite so effortlessly enjoyable as watching an eminent person getting in a huff and flouncing out of a television interview, often with microphone trailing. "
Craig Brown
Interview
Person
Television
" When I was a boy, I used to stay with a school friend in Bexhill, in Sussex, which was then well-known for being the town with more oldies than any other. Aged ten, I felt slightly embarrassed by this, though I'm not sure why. "
Craig Brown
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Why
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" A decent beard has long been the number one must-have fashion item for any fugitive from justice. "
Craig Brown
Number
Justice
Beard
" Historians are the consummate hairdressers of the literary world: cooing in public, catty in private. "
Craig Brown
Historians
Public
World
" Cleanliness is the scourge of art. "
Craig Brown
Scourge
Cleanliness
Art
" As a rough rule of thumb, I would say the smaller the pond, the more belligerent the fish. "
Craig Brown
Thumb
Pond
Fish
" What would we do without plaques to tell us who lived where and when? They introduce the past into the present, and are the quickest and most interesting way of reminding us that our streets exist above and beyond the here-and-now. "
Craig Brown
Past
Interesting
Way
" Monopoly may also end in tears, but its tensions are cruder, lacking the infinitely subtle shadings of irritation and acrimony provided by Scrabble. "
Craig Brown
Monopoly
Subtle
Tears
" Like the firm handshake and looking people straight in the eye, the blazer had originally been a symbol of trust. Because of this, it had been purloined by the less-than-trustworthy and became their preferred disguise. "
Craig Brown
Eye
Like
People
" All the wealthiest people in the U.S. seem compelled to brag about how humble they are. "
Craig Brown
Brag
About
How
" It is only if you happen to be a newscaster that the tongue-twister spells peril. "
Craig Brown
Spells
You
Peril
" The only behaviour that is truly common is to avoid doing something because you think others might consider it common. "
Craig Brown
Doing
You
Think
" I have twice met Jeffrey Archer, and on both occasions was struck by the firmness of his handshake - and the way he looked me straight in the eye, too. "
Craig Brown
Handshake
Way
Eye
" By and large, the artistic establishment disapproved of Margaret Thatcher. "
Craig Brown
Large
Establishment
Artistic
" Like Christians, Soccerians argue that you should not judge the essence of their faith by the loopy activities of its followers. But the Beautiful Game is in fact quite the opposite. It is badly designed and riddled with flaws. "
Craig Brown
You
Beautiful
Faith
" Words have a life of their own. There is no telling what they will do. Within a matter of days, they can even turn turtle and mean the opposite. "
Craig Brown
Words
Life
Own
" For some reason, it is always thrilling to spot your home town in the news. "
Craig Brown
Always
Town
Your