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" Andrew Lloyd Webber is one of those odd moth-like creatures who seem to combine extreme discomfort with the spotlight with an unstoppable compulsion to leap into it. "
Craig Brown
Odd
Leap
Discomfort
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" There's nothing wrong with procrastination. Or is there? I'll leave it to you to decide, but only if you have the time. "
Craig Brown
Procrastination
You
Nothing
" Somewhere in the back of their minds, hosts and guests alike know that the dinner party is a source of untold irritation, and that even the dullest evening spent watching television is preferable. "
Craig Brown
Know
Television
Party
" How I hate the Beautiful Game! I hate its cry-baby players and its gruff, joyless managers, its blokish supporters and its sinister owners, its whistle-peeping referees and its chippy little linesmen, its excitable commentators and - perhaps most of all - its unpluggable 'analysts.' "
Craig Brown
Beautiful
Little
Game
" In its heyday, the blazer had come to symbolise a kind of conventional decency. Yacht club commodores and school bursars wore blazers. People who played bowls wore blazers. "
Craig Brown
Club
Who
People
" The British love of queuing and discomfort and being bossed around seems to have found a new outlet in the pop festival. "
Craig Brown
Festival
British
New
" When cars honk and hoot and drunks squeeze out of car windows and scream, you can be sure that football is in the air. "
Craig Brown
Car
Air
You
" When I was young, I used to expect Parisians to wear little black berets, to bicycle about with strings of onions around their necks, and to brandish long sticks of bread, just like they used to do in school textbooks. "
Craig Brown
Black
School
Long
" There are few things quite so effortlessly enjoyable as watching an eminent person getting in a huff and flouncing out of a television interview, often with microphone trailing. "
Craig Brown
Interview
Person
Television
" Looking back, some of the happiest moments of my childhood were spent with my arm in packets of breakfast cereal, rootling around for a free gift. "
Craig Brown
Looking Back
Childhood
Gift
" More often than not, theatre critics bubble with enthusiasm about plays that are, when all is said and done, really pretty average. "
Craig Brown
Said
Theatre
Done
" It is hard being a football loather, a football unfan. I sometimes feel as lonely as the sole survivor in the last reel of a Zombie film, as, one by one, old friends reveal themselves, with their glassy stares and outstretched arms, to have succumbed to the lure. "
Craig Brown
Lonely
Old Friends
Football
" It strikes me that golf's great virtue is that it gets you out of the house, away from everyday bothers, away from the endless round of looking for this, that and the other. "
Craig Brown
House
Golf
Great
" One of the tricks of life is to have sense and money in roughly equal proportions. "
Craig Brown
Money
Tricks
Sense
" What would we do without plaques to tell us who lived where and when? They introduce the past into the present, and are the quickest and most interesting way of reminding us that our streets exist above and beyond the here-and-now. "
Craig Brown
Past
Interesting
Way
" The best critics do not worry about what the author might think. That would be like a detective worrying about what a suspect might think. Instead, they treat the reader as an intelligent friend, and describe the book as honestly, and as entertainingly, as possible. "
Craig Brown
Think
Book
Treat
" For some reason, it is always thrilling to spot your home town in the news. "
Craig Brown
Always
Town
Your
" My life is a monument to procrastination, to the art of putting things off until later, or much later, or possibly never. "
Craig Brown
My Life
Life Is A
Art
" As life goes on, we accrue more and more loseable objects. Providence dictates that objects that are too large to lose, such as houses, always come with tiny little keys, specially designed to give you the slip. "
Craig Brown
You
Always
Keys
" One of the many joys of tongue-twisters is that they serve no purpose beyond fun. "
Craig Brown
Joys
Many
Fun
" Speaking for myself, I spend a good ten minutes a day deciding whether or not to read the results of new surveys, and, once I have read them, a further five minutes deciding whether or not to take them seriously. "
Craig Brown
Results
Seriously
Myself
" The first thing I hear when I wake up is the sea, which is so close to our house that its reflections from the sun dapple our bedroom ceiling. "
Craig Brown
Sun
Sea
First
" As a rough rule of thumb, I would say the smaller the pond, the more belligerent the fish. "
Craig Brown
Thumb
Pond
Fish
" Like the periwig and the bowler hat, the plus-four and the bow-tie, the blazer is on the way out, and those who persist in wearing it do so with a smattering of self-consciousness, a touch of obstinacy, even a pinch of camp. "
Craig Brown
Like
Way
Touch
" Alan Whicker may be the last Briton to have worn a silver-buttoned blazer with complete confidence. "
Craig Brown
Blazer
Complete
Confidence
" Personally, I belong to the speedy school of golf. If it were left up to me, I would introduce a new rule that said every golf ball has to stay in motion from the moment it leaves the tee to the moment it plops into the hole, thus obliging each player to run along after his ball and give it another whack before it stops rolling. "
Craig Brown
Said
Run
Moment
" Monopoly may also end in tears, but its tensions are cruder, lacking the infinitely subtle shadings of irritation and acrimony provided by Scrabble. "
Craig Brown
Monopoly
Subtle
Tears
" Just as there is something about an empty skip that makes you want to fill it, so there is something about a full skip that makes you want to empty it. "
Craig Brown
Empty
You
Want
" I have twice met Jeffrey Archer, and on both occasions was struck by the firmness of his handshake - and the way he looked me straight in the eye, too. "
Craig Brown
Handshake
Way
Eye
" When I was a boy, I used to stay with a school friend in Bexhill, in Sussex, which was then well-known for being the town with more oldies than any other. Aged ten, I felt slightly embarrassed by this, though I'm not sure why. "
Craig Brown
More
Why
Stay
" Tweeting is the go-to medium for the show-off and the shyster. "
Craig Brown
Tweeting
Medium