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" Look, here's the deal: The Chiefs' fate and the Royals' fate, that's my fate. "

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" I always try to stick to the script because I want to respect the writers, and I want to respect the director. But if the director and my fellow actors are okay with me playing with it a little bit, then I definitely want to play with it. "

" Hopefully, I'm not stealing scenes from other actors, because then they won't want to work with me. "

" I took classes and performed and did improv and sketch and wrote sketches and did lights and sound for other people's shows just so I could be around the theater. That was about seven nights a week for seven years. "

" You get to really master the emotion of humility as a Chiefs fan. "

" I'm an improviser. I came up doing improv at the U.C.B. Theater in New York for seven years. That's where I started, so improv is what I love. "

" There's no better citizen than a veteran. There's so much waiting for you outside, and it's not something to be intimidated by or scared by; it is something to be embraced. "

" For the most part, I keep playing big knuckleheads who are like bulls in a china shop. "

" I'm a Kansas City kid, so I love my Royals and Chiefs. I went to the University of Kansas, so I love the Jayhawks. But I live in L.A., so I'm a fan of the Dodgers. "

" When I put on my Marine cover, I'm a Marine, and I act accordingly. "

" Honestly, I just keep my nose to the grindstone and keep working. At the end of the day, that's usually one of those things that's going to get you ahead. "

" I can't quote stats from another decade. I've got friends that can do that. But I am a huge sports fan. In fact, I enjoy all sports, and when I enjoy a game for five minutes, I'm in it for the whole thing. Plus, I do have some teams I loyally follow. "

" When you go out there to do comedy, you feel like you're doing battle with the audience a lot of the time. You're either going to get 'em, or you're not. "

" I knew I wanted to try comedy and acting. Even if I failed, at least I would have tried. It's better than never having tried. "

" When the folks at Holiday Inn Express handed me a pancake with my very own face on it, I knew I had finally made it. Then, I grabbed a knife and fork, and tucked into my face. And I'm happy to report: I'm delicious. "

" I never got into the horror genre, and action was fine, but I just loved comedy. Any comedy I could get my hands on, I would. I watched 'Saturday Night Live' religiously. "

" We can't ask the men and women of this country to go do things for us and then, when they get home, forget about them. It's not part of the deal. "

" I lived in New York for 10 years; I followed the Rangers. Now I live in L.A. I want to adopt a team. I'm always going to be a Kansas City Chiefs and Royals fan. I want to adopt a team in a new town, so I've adopted the Kings. "

" I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but if you're not constantly craving breakfast every second of every day, you're not a real American. Y'know what, let's throw the Canadians in there, too. "

" Honestly, you could beat me, torture me - just don't bore me. "

" I have performed for the troops... in Iraq! They loved it! I loved it... It's all good! "

" I went through puberty late. I was a little, little, tiny kid. I was still growing in college. "

" I don't mind it so much if I get type cast as an authority figure. I get to do comedy no matter what it is, so it doesn't bother me. "

" Changing the conversation about how Americans perceive veterans is really important. These are hardworking, dedicated, innovative people who deserve quality employment when they return home from their military service. "

" The comedy seeds were planted before the Marine seeds. The thought of comedy never happening was scary. When you have a plan, you never know what will happen. "

" Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Will Ferrell, those guys mean so much to me because I watched those guys and how they transform and watch the commitment to what they do. I admire them. "

" I would love to do something dramatic. I don't know if anybody will ever give me the chance, but I would love to try it. I'm trained in acting and spent many years working on it, so it's just a matter of opportunity. "

" I like boysenberry. I have no idea what it is. And it sounds like poison - which is terrifying - but you can't hold a name against a flavor. If you did that, everyone would hate Crunchberries. "

" I've always been cast in authority roles; I think because I have that presence... Comedically, I can play against that pretty well. I enjoy playing that arrogant ignorance. That's one of my favorite games to play in comedy. "

" As a comedian, I'm always quoting 'Caddyshack' and 'Dumb and Dumber.' "

" Whenever I'm given a chance to support veterans' initiatives, I try to do that. Children and veterans - if they're involved, you can pretty much count me in. "