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" My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. "

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" The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think. "

" I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool. "

" Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey. "

" I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did. "

" I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success. "

" My real life is funnier than anything on TV. "

" There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads. "

" Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought. "

" Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it. "

" I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do. "

" I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three. "

" I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world. "

" Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor. "

" Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with. "

" I was completely nuts for most of my life. "

" Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it. "

" I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out. "

" I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing. "

" Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room. "

" I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone. "

" Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce. "

" I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers. "

" It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. "

" It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't. "

" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "

" I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice. "

" I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. "

" I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' "

" My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel. "

" I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird? "