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" I was completely nuts for most of my life. "

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" I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did. "

" Excuse the mess but we live here. "

" I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world. "

" Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us? "

" I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show. "

" Comedy is the only hope for humanity. "

" I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.' "

" I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too. "

" Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem! "

" The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians. "

" TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel. "

" A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego. "

" We're not meant to be parents when we're 50. "

" I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions. "

" I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel; it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost. "

" You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right. "

" It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. "

" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "

" My real life is funnier than anything on TV. "

" I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three. "

" I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out. "

" I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. "

" I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them. "

" I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas. "

" I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' "

" Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room. "

" The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. "

" Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family. "

" You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship. "

" You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it. "