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" My old life - no amount of getting used to it would have made it right. "

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" There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. "

" I think if you talk to anybody who ever went from not having much to having enough to buy what they wanted, they're always happier. Now I get that whole '$75,000 a year is some kind of magic number,' but my experience is 'more is better, up to a point.' Then there's a point where it doesn't make any difference. "

" If you drill down on any success story, you always discover that luck was a huge part of it. You can't control luck, but you can move from a game with bad odds to one with better odds. You can make it easier for luck to find you. The most useful thing you can do is stay in the game. "

" I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing. "

" Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure. "

" I'm primarily just an investor. "

" If a job's worth doing, it's too hard. "

" We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings. "

" I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately. "

" I get mail; therefore I am. "

" People vote based on emotion. Period. "

" Before 'Dilbert,' I tried to become a computer programmer. In the early days of computing, I bought this big, heavy, portable computer for my house. I spent two years nights and weekends trying to write games that I thought I would sell. Turns out I'm not that good a programmer, so that was two years that didn't work out. "

" I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened. "

" The best things in life are silly. "

" Home is pretty utopian. "

" There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation. "

" Happiness is nothing but good health and freedom, and money is the single best way you can buy your freedom. "

" Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams. "

" The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. "

" The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it. "

" If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. "

" If your current get-rich project fails, take what you learned and try something else. Keep repeating until something lucky happens. The universe has plenty of luck to go around; you just need to keep your hand raised until it's your turn. It helps to see failure as a road and not a wall. "

" Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart. "

" There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours. "

" Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information. "

" When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids. "

" In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. "

" I've always defined myself not as a cartoonist, but as an entrepreneur. That was true before I tried cartooning. I always imagined cartooning would be how I got my seed capital. I always thought my other businesses would be the less dominant part of my life. "

" I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff. "

" When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable. "