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" I'm primarily just an investor. "

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" When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable. "

" Obviously there's not much options when you're a cartoonist - you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier. "

" Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart. "

" I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable. "

" There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation. "

" I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else. "

" If a job's worth doing, it's too hard. "

" I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened. "

" Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams. "

" The best things in life are silly. "

" I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination. "

" Happiness is nothing but good health and freedom, and money is the single best way you can buy your freedom. "

" There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. "

" Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. "

" Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that's O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems. "

" If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. "

" Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. "

" There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours. "

" Success is entirely accessible, even if you happen to be a huge screw-up 95 percent of the time. "

" When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids. "

" There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot. "

" If you drill down on any success story, you always discover that luck was a huge part of it. You can't control luck, but you can move from a game with bad odds to one with better odds. You can make it easier for luck to find you. The most useful thing you can do is stay in the game. "

" Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently. "

" If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? "

" Before 'Dilbert,' I tried to become a computer programmer. In the early days of computing, I bought this big, heavy, portable computer for my house. I spent two years nights and weekends trying to write games that I thought I would sell. Turns out I'm not that good a programmer, so that was two years that didn't work out. "

" You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me. "

" I think if you talk to anybody who ever went from not having much to having enough to buy what they wanted, they're always happier. Now I get that whole '$75,000 a year is some kind of magic number,' but my experience is 'more is better, up to a point.' Then there's a point where it doesn't make any difference. "

" I'm a poor artist. Through brute force, I brought myself up to mediocre. I've never taken a writing class, but I can write okay. "

" Beware of advice about successful people and their methods. For starters, no two situations are alike. Your dreams of creating a dry-cleaning empire won't be helped by knowing that Thomas Edison liked to take naps. "

" If your goal is to lose 10 pounds, you may wake up each day with failure in mind because the goal is hard to reach, and you are progressing only by small amounts. It takes up all your willpower. I recommend that instead of a goal, you have a system. "