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" Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. "
Johnny Carson
Big
Little
Never
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" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "
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" Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. "
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" I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. "
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" For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. "
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Hair
" I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive. "
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" Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?' "
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" The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. "
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" Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. "
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" The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that. "
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Mind
Power
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" There comes a time or a moment when you know in which direction you're going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young. "
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Moment
Direction
Me
" Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. "
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Men
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" To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes when people say, 'Well, he's stuck-up.' 'Stuck-up' is only another word for self-conscious. "
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Say
You
Well
" New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. "
Johnny Carson
Most
Exciting
New York
" Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. "
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Bank
Together
New
" Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined. "
Johnny Carson
Peace
Success
Work
" My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day. "
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Working Hard
Business
Success
" People will pay more to be entertained than educated. "
Johnny Carson
Educated
Will
More
" I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while. "
Johnny Carson
Know
Enough
Fun
" If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "
Johnny Carson
Would
Fair
Dead
" People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances. "
Johnny Carson
Start
Thought
Funny
" We're more effective than birth control pills. "
Johnny Carson
More
Control
Birth Control
" When turkeys mate they think of swans. "
Johnny Carson
Mate
Swans
Think
" I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. "
Johnny Carson
Food
Day
Smoking
" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "
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Funny
Kid
Used
" For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. "
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Phone
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Three
" If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "
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Were
Would
Life