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" New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. "

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" Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. "

" There comes a time or a moment when you know in which direction you're going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young. "

" Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?' "

" I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. "

" Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. "

" People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances. "

" Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. "

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. "

" We're more effective than birth control pills. "

" To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes when people say, 'Well, he's stuck-up.' 'Stuck-up' is only another word for self-conscious. "

" People will pay more to be entertained than educated. "

" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "

" I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while. "

" Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. "

" The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that. "

" For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. "

" When turkeys mate they think of swans. "

" I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. "

" Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. "

" For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. "

" Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. "

" I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive. "

" If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "

" My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day. "

" The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. "

" If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "