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All Quotes by author - Johnny Carson
" Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. "
Bank
Together
New
" Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. "
Up
President
Grow Up
" For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. "
Days
Phone
Hair
" For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. "
Phone
Grow
Three
" Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. "
Happiness
Dentist
You
" I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. "
World
Always
I Am
" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "
Radio
Television
Still
" If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "
Would
Fair
Dead
" If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. "
Were
Would
Life
" If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. "
Variety
Spice
Marriage
" I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. "
Food
Day
Smoking
" I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive. "
Same
Been
Years
" I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while. "
Know
Enough
Fun
" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "
Funny
Kid
Used
" Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. "
Time
Office
Christmas
" Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. "
Men
Single
More
" My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day. "
Working Hard
Business
Success
" Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined. "
Peace
Success
Work
" Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. "
Big
Little
Never
" New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. "
Most
Exciting
New York
" People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances. "
Start
Thought
Funny
" People will pay more to be entertained than educated. "
Educated
Will
More
" Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?' "
Alone
Place
You
" The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that. "
Mind
Power
Attention
" The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. "
Freedom
Money
You
" There comes a time or a moment when you know in which direction you're going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young. "
Moment
Direction
Me
" To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes when people say, 'Well, he's stuck-up.' 'Stuck-up' is only another word for self-conscious. "
Say
You
Well
" We're more effective than birth control pills. "
More
Control
Birth Control
" When turkeys mate they think of swans. "
Mate
Swans
Think
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