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" On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime. "

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" I do have a treadmill desk in my office, and for a while, I would walk on it while checking email and going through jokes. I haven't walked on it in probably four months. Now it's more of an upright dining table for me. At some point, moss will grow over it, birds will build nests, and nature will reclaim the treadmill as its own. "

" When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended. "

" It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up. "

" I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don't wear a tie? "

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