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" There is never hesitation about doing stand-up. It's just me doing my thing. "

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" If I have anything, it's tenacity. "

" The pop musicians often leave meaning in the dust and substitute it for cartoons. The deeper artists - the grunge artists in the world and the emoticon people - tend to leave all of the happiness out of life like it just doesn't exist. "

" I'm a writer, so I like dissecting things. "

" I like struggle. "

" Truth be told, ginormous portions have become a pet peeve of mine. "

" You'd think after 8 years of things called 'The Patriot Act' and 'No Child Left Behind' they would know that we have figured out the 'Call it what it ain't' PR ploy by now, but... um... no. "

" If 'Airplane!' comes on, it's like a comfort film. You can always guarantee a laugh watching that movie. "

" If you are for freedom and equal rights, which we hear a lot of talk about these days, then you have to include the LGBTQ community in that. And if you're not willing to put your time where your mouth is, then I don't know quite what you mean by commitment in your life. "

" I'm a futurist. Technology is our way out of almost every problem we have. Technology can create a new sense of community. "

" Vegas has the Whitman's Sampler of audiences. They come from all different places, so you have to do some crowd psychology. You have to find the heartbeat of the room. It doesn't shift my jokes, but it shifts my timing and my attention. "

" All musicians need a day job in the beginning. Unless they still live with their parents, I guess. I'm just lucky that my day job is simply another form of art. "

" I've always said that I benefit, as an actor, from not having the illusion of security. "

" Most 'reality' shows aren't reality at all. They're game shows with no prize. Like 'Rock of Love.' His aren't genuine feelings. Then again, Bob Barker didn't really care whether or not you won the toaster. Sorry to shatter everyone's dreams. "

" It's better to waste money, than it is to waste time. You can always get more money. "

" The important thing is having genuine regard for your audience. "

" You would not believe how much time people waste in a day. And how little time they put into things they genuinely love. "

" Other kids would sneak out of the house to go to parties and do untoward things. I was sneaking out to do standup downtown. It paid off. "

" Someone needs to remind American CEOs that if you can't run a company that is innovative, financially sound and doesn't poison the rest of us, You can't run a company. "

" I try to be as ignorant about things as I can. "

" If I could sew comedy and philosophy together, then I've done a good job. The primary goal is always going to be laughs and the secondary goal is always going to be saying something without it being a lecture. I think it's important to have substance for what you're saying. "

" It's better to waste money than time. You can always get more money. "

" I'm named after a computer and grew up really interested in them. "

" I'm as heterosexual as any person need be. I'm open about my relationships - or lack thereof - in my own life, because I want to make the case that gay isn't contagious. It's not something that you can catch or learn or choose. "

" Jerry Springer' is just kind of the chubby, redneck version of throwing Christians to the lions. "

" If you take anything I say with any seriousness whatsoever, go study Yang style tai chi. It will make you live longer. "

" People only have guilty pleasures when they crowbar pleasure down their throat all the time and then they reach for the brownies. Then you should feel guilty because you're killing your body and that's something to be guilty about. "

" As a stand up, and often in acting, there is no place for the most intense feelings. Rage, genuine sorrow, naked hope... These things don't fit on a comedy stage and if you act you'll get to express them once in a while. Music is a place for the intensely personal. "

" Anyone who still supports George Bush would still let Michael Jackson babysit their kids. "

" Growing up in Kentucky, I used to hang out with four running buddies as a kid - 6, 10, and 11 years old. Two of them would later come out, and so 50 percent of my friends as a kid were gay. "

" I noticed a lot of guitar players neglected the rhythm part of rhythm guitar and decided I would try to focus in that. "