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" If you had no enemies, you had no fun. "

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" What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny. "

Politically Correct

" Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I'm not necessarily funny all the time. "

" I love Santa Monica and Venice because I like the beach. I have a lot of friends in that area. "

" One thing that's great about firefighters: If they don't have the equipment they desperately need, they don't have the help, they don't care. They'll do it on their own. "

" If I'm president, there are going to be government vans that drive around and pick up people who shouldn't be wearing certain clothing. Talk about lack of civil rights - I'm sorry, I'm pulling you right off the street, and we're giving you clothes that you're going to be O.K. in. "

" Every actor thinks he can do comedy, and it's not true. "

" I obviously identify with the anti-authority figure. I've pretty much always had problems with authority, ever since I was a kid. "

" Technology is changing, so the viewership is getting broken up. My kids watch everything downloaded; they have no idea what the numbers or the names of the channels mean, except 'FX makes the show that I see on my computer.' "

" I don't believe in the power of words. "

" I'm not saying being a comedian is brain surgery, but it is definitely - it's like being a carpenter. You learn how to make tables and chairs. You have to have the right tools, and you have to know how to put the thing together, right? "

" I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me. "

" Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh. "

" Most of the women placed in the fire department here in New York never passed the physical test. And a fat guy or a short guy, or anybody not passing the test in a life-or-death job, leads to friction. "

" I basically - I don't like tattoos, unless you're a firefighter who has a tattoo that has to do with that or a military guy. That's - those are people who should have tattoos. "

" Firefighters are some of the most selfless public servants you will ever encounter. "

" There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. "

" I know gay - gay people who aren't married who are better parents than some, you know, straight people I know who are married. "

" When I'm on stage, that's me. It's blown up, but that's me. "

" Good actors, especially when they know their character, will come in and either tell you in advance that they have an idea, or in the middle of the rehearsal or the scene they'll let it loose and you go, 'Ah that's great.' "

" People saying, 'Life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.' Welcome to the club. I wanted to be the starting center-fielder for the Boston Red Sox, for chrissakes! "

" I wanted to be a hockey player. Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used. I was terrible in school and actually said, 'I'm going to be a hockey player.' "

" George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live. "

" I would have to commit a crime and have cops chase me. That would be the only way to get me to jog five miles. "

" If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now. "

" If you want a long-term relationship that doesn't require a lot of work, I say, get a dog. They love you no matter what. But when it comes to humans, there's no secret; you really have to appreciate the person every single day. "

" I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly told me that he was in a club doing standup comedy. I went down to his club and he was great. Another friend of mine, who was pretty much a thief by trade, was hosting the show. So I thought, 'If these guys can do it, then so can I.' "

" I studied acting in school and then, of course, couldn't get an acting job. "

" Wolfhounds helped kill off the wolves in Ireland. "

" I'm a huge Kevin Youkilis fan. "

" I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time. "