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" Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. "

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" The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. "

" I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "

" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "

" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "

" My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. "

" My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. "

" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "

" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "

" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "

" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "

" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "

" What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. "

" Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. "

" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "

" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "

" The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. "

" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "

" I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. "

" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "

" Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. "

" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "

" A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "

" My father used to call me the laughing hyena. "

" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "

" It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. "

" The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. "

" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

" My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "

" A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. "

" Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. "