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" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "
Phyllis Diller
Him
Down
You
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" You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. "
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Walker
Know
Old
" Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. "
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Through
Show
Old Age
" My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. "
Phyllis Diller
Mother-In-Law
Left
Knee
" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "
Phyllis Diller
Millionaire
Like
Know
" It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. "
Phyllis Diller
Good
Only
Beauty
" My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "
Phyllis Diller
Kitchen
Business
Anger
" Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. "
Phyllis Diller
Anger
Fight
Go
" My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. "
Phyllis Diller
Bad
Thanksgiving
Thought
" What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. "
Phyllis Diller
Looking
Job
Day
" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "
Phyllis Diller
Aim
Aim High
High
" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "
Phyllis Diller
Best Way
Way
Kitchen
" I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. "
Phyllis Diller
Right
Better
Knew
" Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. "
Phyllis Diller
Children
Advice
Follow
" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
Phyllis Diller
Talk
Children
Down
" A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. "
Phyllis Diller
Song
Bad
End
" A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "
Phyllis Diller
Everything
Curve
Smile
" Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. "
Phyllis Diller
Home
Children
Parenting
" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "
Phyllis Diller
Half
Hour
Lasted
" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
Phyllis Diller
Grass
Fresh
Lady
" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
Phyllis Diller
Shoes
Barefoot
Know
" I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. "
Phyllis Diller
Eighteen
Behind
Ironing
" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
Phyllis Diller
Old
You
Blood
" I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "
Phyllis Diller
Short
Words
Say
" The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. "
Phyllis Diller
Say
How
Career
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
Phyllis Diller
Drive
Admit
Miles
" My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. "
Phyllis Diller
Justice
Just
Look
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
Phyllis Diller
Children
Want
Things
" Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. "
Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds
His
Me
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "
Phyllis Diller
You
Chance
Funny
" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning
Growing
Up