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" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

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" Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. "

" A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. "

" I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. "

" They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls. "

" The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We've all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we've all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that's a gift - to you and your audience. "

" The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential. "

" Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that. "

" It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger. "

" The funny thing is, I've never really hurt myself in an action movie. I've done 'Wanted,' 'X-Men,' 'Welcome To The Punch,' even 'Trance' to a certain extent has little bits of action and stuff, but I've never really hurt myself at all - not even like a sprained ankle. "

" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "

Robert Benchley

" Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. "

" If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny. "

Judah Friedlander

" A funny thing about near-future stories: the future catches up to them. If the author is unlucky, the future catches up faster than the book can get out the door. "

Edward M. Lerner

" My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. "

" Every man has a sane spot somewhere. "

Robert Louis Stevenson

" It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness. "

" I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. "

" If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like. "

William Feather

" When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. "

" Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. "

" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "

" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "

" I try to be funny and not ignorant. "

" O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. "

Saint Augustine

" It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's art. "

" Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. "

" It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. "

" Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. "