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" Upbeat is for people who want to feel good about their cause: the reformers, the progressives, the revolutionaries, the utopians, the collectivists, and the rest of the altruistic scum of the earth. Why do these people want to feel good? They want to feel good in order to convince themselves that they are good. "

P. J. O'Rourke

People

Earth

Good

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" I myself am a parent in a small business. Number of employees: one. "

" People say, 'Oh, politics is so polarized today,' and I'm thinking... '1861, that was polarized.' "

" Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. "

" Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants. "

" Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. "

" It's hard to be serious in life. "

" I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. "

" Tel Aviv is new, built on the sand dunes north of Jaffa in the 1890s, about the same time Miami was founded. The cities bear a resemblance in size, site, climate, and architecture, which ranges from the bland to the fancifully bland. "

" Regulation creates a moral hazard. "

" I was never a Democrat. I went from Republican to Maoist and then back again. "

" I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Home

Think

" Detroit is beautiful - though you probably have to be a child of the industrial Midwest, like me, to see it. "

" America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. "

" Democrats hate Democrats most of all. "

" People love to be told what they know already. "

" The only advantage to being a middle-aged man is that when you put on a jacket and tie, you're the Scary Dad. Never mind that no one has had an actually scary dad since 1966. The visceral fear remains. "

" Some day you will be wheeled in for a heart bypass operation, and a surgeon will be the person who is now behind the counter when you renew your car registration at the department of motor vehicles. "

" Toledo is better than exciting, it's happy. Because nothing is more conducive to unhappiness than taking yourself seriously, and taking yourself seriously is difficult when you're baseball team is the Mud Hens. "

" My generation of Americans was the first to really care about racism and sexism, not to mention the I Ching, plus, of course, the Earth. "

" The importance of local governance may not be obvious to an America accustomed to treating city and state downfalls with doses of federal comeuppance. Sometimes there's a reason for that - the Civil War. More often, all reasoning seems absent - No Child Left Behind. "

" Earnestness is stupidity sent to college. "

" If there are three words that need to be used more in American journalism, commentary, politics, personal life... it's the magic words 'I don't know.' "

" When I board an airplane these days, all the middle-aged men are dressed like me - when I was an 8-year-old. They're in shorts and T-shirts. And it's not just on airplanes. It's in business offices, teachers' lounges, and churches. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Teachers

Men

" The car provided Americans with an enviable standard of living. You could not get a steady job with high wages and health and retirement benefits working on the General Livestock Corporation assembly line putting udders on cows. "

" Predicting innovation is something of a self-canceling exercise: the most probable innovations are probably the least innovative. "

" Rahm Emanuel is, we are almost certain, a vampire. "

" Every vote should carry a serial number, so that responsibility for harmful or careless use of the vote can be traced. Concealed voting should be outlawed. "

" Just because a subject is serious doesn't mean it doesn't have plenty of absurdities. "

" The idea of a stag hunt evokes chivalry - knights in jerkins and hose, ladies on sidesaddles with wimples and billowing dresses, a white stag symbolizing something-or-other, and Robin Hood getting in the way. An actual stag hunt is more like a horseback meeting of a county planning commission. "

" What is obnoxious about the motives of politicians - whatever those motives may be - is that politicians must announce their motives as visionary and grand. "