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" Predicting innovation is something of a self-canceling exercise: the most probable innovations are probably the least innovative. "

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" My working hypothesis is that stupidity in popular culture is a constant. Popular culture cannot get more stupid. "

" Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants. "

" If you talk to most businessmen, they'll say that what they do is for the public good, but you know they're just greedy, and consumers are just consuming for the sake of their own greed. "

" One nice thing about making jokes is that you don't have to prove them. "

" I had always thought of Egypt as a rather secular country. And I think it is, but people are quite observant of the strictures of Ramadan. "

" I was very much in favor of the Iraq invasion. "

" Some day you will be wheeled in for a heart bypass operation, and a surgeon will be the person who is now behind the counter when you renew your car registration at the department of motor vehicles. "

" The Nobel Peace Prize has always been a joke - albeit a grim one. Alfred Bernhard Nobel famously invented dynamite and felt sorry about it. "

" What Enron was doing, what caused investors to embrace it in a rapture of baffled awe, was hiding debt. "

" Bill Clinton is not a hypocrite. If a man believes that it is just and moral to redistribute wealth, there is nothing hypocritical in his attempts to redistribute some of that wealth to himself. "

" I don't mind America becoming a Third World country. The weather is better in the Third World than it is where I live in New Hampshire. And household help will be much cheaper. "

" Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. "

" The two most frightening words in Washington are 'bipartisan consensus.' Bipartisan consensus is when my doctor and my lawyer agree with my wife that I need help. "

" Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information. "

" There are a number of Americans who shouldn't vote. The number is 57 percent, to judge by the combined total of Clinton and Perot ballots in the 1996 presidential election. "

" Jimmy Carter was - he still - he remains to this day America's most ex of ex-presidents. You just can't believe that we elected this doofus. He was a bright enough guy and sort of well-meaning. But he was about as prepared to be president of the United States as your goofy old uncle, you know, the one that memorises baseball statistics. "

" Political discourse has become so rotten that it's no longer possible to tell the stench of one presidential candidate from the stink of another. "

" Jeans fit the mature male one of two ways, both dirigible in nature. You make a public impression that's either Hindenburg or Goodyear blimp. "

" The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich. "

" America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased. "

" The perpetuation of slavery, the exile and extermination of American Indians, and the passage of Jim Crow laws weren't carried out at the bidding of a few malefactors of great wealth. "

" The poor are an especially important resource for innovation when they have the bravery and pluck to get out of the poor places in which they're living. "

" Raining on parades requires no skill or effort on the part of a politician. "

" For decades in America, there has been an effort to ensure that the rights of those who are not sane are the same as the rights of those who are. "

" Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. "

" I write because I like to make things and the only things I am good at making things with are words. "

" The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. "

" Democrats hate America being a world power because world power gives power to the nation instead of to Democrats. "

" I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to. "

" What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention. "