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" Every vote should carry a serial number, so that responsibility for harmful or careless use of the vote can be traced. Concealed voting should be outlawed. "

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" Even the dumber parts of our government are not run by idiots. These are ordinary people like us, doing a job. By and large, they're trying to do it as well as they can. Or at least as often as people in the private sector try to do as well as they can. "

" Abstract anger is great for rhetorical carrying on. You can go on endlessly about the post office, but it doesn't mean you're mad at your mailman. "

" You can't destroy America by destroying our elite. Think about America's elite. Think about it down through history. Destroy our elite, and about half the time, you're doing us a favor. "

" The idea of a world where all people are alike - in wealth or in anything else - is a fantasy for the stupid. "

" I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I'm not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses. "

" Southern California is a nice place, if you could cut out the show-business cancer. It just keeps spreading. "

" My wife and I both come from Irish families. There are two kinds of Irish families: the hitting kind and the kidding kind. If you're fortunate - and both of us are - you come from the kidding kind of Irish family. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" Regulation creates a moral hazard. "

" Arab-led Islamic fundamentalism destabilizes nations from Algeria to the Philippines. "

" The Bible is very clear about one thing: Using politics to create fairness is a sin. "

" Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day. "

" I had a confused early hippie phase, which was like a cafeteria tray of sloppy, semi-Marxist thoughts, absorbed second-hand. "

" Never wear anything that panics the cat. "

" We loved cars until the '70s or so. Then they became appliances. They turned into motorized cup holders. Most of it has to do with urban sprawl. What began as pleasure ends up in necessity, as so many things do. "

" The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? "

" People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans. "

" Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. "

" What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small that I have to search all my pockets to discover I've received a spam text. "

" I realised the bohemian life was not for me. I would look around at my friends, living like starving artists, and wonder, 'Where's the art?' They weren't doing anything. And there was so much interesting stuff to do, so much fun to be had... maybe I could even quit renting. "

" I don't understand anything about America's culture. "

" In the language of politics, there is only one translation for the phrase 'hope and change,' to wit: 'big, fat government.' "

" I have no idea if some societies, anthropologically speaking, aren't really suited for democracy. I don't think that's true. "

" Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit. "

" Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers. "

" Seriousness is stupidity sent to college. "

" When elites see a homeless person in the gutter, they assume he's saving a parking place. "

" I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to. "

" Public schools helped create the idea of America and inculcate Americans with a few rudiments of knowledge. To judge by that very American item, the Internet, a few rudiments is all anyone cares to have. "

" The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. "