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" Where would I be without baseball? Who am I without baseball? "

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" Not bragging by any means, but I could have done a lot of other stuff as far as working in films go and working in television... I had chances to do that stuff, but I like baseball, I really do. "

" I had been playing for a while, and I asked Louisville Slugger to send me a dozen flame treated bats. But when I got it, I realized they had sent me a box of ashes. "

" You throw batting practice, you warm up pitchers, you sit and cheer. You do whatever you have to do to stay on the team. "

" How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up. "

" I hit a grand slam off Ron Herbel and when his manager Herman Franks came out to get him, he was bringing Herbel's suitcase. "

" Baseball hasn't forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven't lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times. "

" When I looked at the third base coach, he turned his back on me. "

" You know, I was once named Minor League Player of the Year... unfortunately, I had been in the majors for two years at the time. "

" I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff. "

" I knew when my career was over. In 1965 my baseball card came out with no picture. "

" I spent three of the best years of my life in 10th grade. "

" I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career - anything for a laugh. "

" Career highlights? I had two - I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets. "

" When I came up to bat with three men on and two outs in the ninth, I looked in the other team's dugout and they were already in street clothes. "

" I think my top salary was maybe in 1966. I made $17,000 and 11 of that came from selling other players' equipment. "

" In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the bigs. "

" I just grew the hair on my back. Facial hair just wasn't appealing to me. I liked it on my back, though. "

" Let's face it. Umpiring is not an easy or happy way to make a living. In the abuse they suffer, and the pay they get for it, you see an imbalance that can only be explained by their need to stay close to a game they can't resist. "

" The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until it stops rolling and then pick it up. "

" I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it's never at the expense of the other guy. "

" If a guy hits .300 every year, what does he have to look forward to? I always tried to stay around .190, with three or four RBI. And I tried to get them all in September. That way I always had something to talk about during the winter. "

" Anybody with ability can play in the big leagues. But to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that was a much greater feat. "

" I signed a very modest $3,000 bonus with the Braves in Milwaukee. And my old man didn't have that kinda money to put out. "

" We were on for six years. We were in syndication for a while. It had its run. I still see the people from 'Mr. Belvedere,' too. We stay in touch. "

" I used to soak my mitts in a bucket of water for about two days. Then I'd put a couple of baseballs in the pocket and wrap it up with a rubber band. Today you don't have to do that, because catchers' mitts are more like first baseman's gloves. "

" Hey, I think it's easy for guys to hit .300 and stay in the big leagues. Hit .200 and try to stick around as long as I did; I think it's a much greater accomplishment. That's hard. "

" The biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son takes after you. That happened when my Bobby was in his championship Little League game. He really showed me something. Struck out three times. Made an error that lost the game. Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off. Gosh, I was proud. "

" I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don't even get printed. "

" I didn't get a lot of awards as a player. But they did have a Bob Uecker Day Off for me once in Philly. "

" Sporting goods companies pay me not to endorse their products. "