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" You know, there's that temptation in interviews to make yourself sound - well, to give yourself a bit of mystery. "

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" I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show. "

" I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone. "

" Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out. "

" We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves. "

" Some comics are in it for what they can get out of it. Others are in it for a love of comedy. I think those that are in it for a genuine love of comedy find each other within the circuit and become friends. "

" I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind. "

" There's lots of stuff about me being a fan of Cliff but not being gay. Which suggests that he is, but he's not. Anyway, this is Channel 4, let their lawyers sort it out. "

" You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear. "

" Writing a book about yourself is like therapy, and you go 'Oh My God, that's the reason that happened.' Writing about it, you're forced to really examine things. "

" There's a domino effect with certain things you say. "

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" Being 'Johnny' was almost like an out of body experience. I thought he was just a character that I'd created and could quite easily step away from, but it was much more difficult than that. "

" I am very proud of what 'Johnny' achieved in stand-up comedy because he believed entirely in giving an audience the best kick he could. But he was someone who was quite detrimental to my health, both emotionally and physically. "

" I get obsessed with decorations and decorating the house. I keep it tasteful outside, but when you get inside it is a bit like Blackpool illuminations, I go bonkers! "

" My name is Michael Pennington, and I am not a comic character. "

" I use very few muscles at the best of times. "

" Oh, I'm terrible at travel. "

" There's this idea that it has to be made in London. But we've got everything up here, and if you've got comics who are gifted because of where they're from, you shouldn't drag them away from that natural resource. "

" I also want to return to doing stand-up. I've become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again. "

" My first holiday to San Francisco in 1998-99 was supposed to be a two-week vacation but I ended up staying five weeks and nearly didn't come home. "

" I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion. "

" I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one. "

" Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine. "

" I believe that Britain is becoming more class-conscious, and I quake at the very idea of Old Etonians ruling the world again. "

" It can be tough as a jobbing actor. "

" I've always said that with kids' TV that people get stuck in it from drama school but that's not fair because I know myself that when you go in creatively, kids are so much more open to ideas. You're so much freer to mess about and try things. "

" You don't want to be flattered and become big-headed by getting awards. But, well, I am. "

" This autocue was obviously written for someone else and I've been brought in at the last minute. "

" I wanted to try and trace the genuine origins of 'Johnny' and how he so successfully staged this takeover of 'Michael Pennington.' 'Johnny' is a contradiction to who I am as a person. I'm not very good at confrontation, I have a tendency to internalise and to carry things around. "

" Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric! "